Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Suggestions When They JUST. WON'T. %$#@ing. NAP!

1. Cry.  Despite what those focus-on-the-positive ninnies say, you have every right to be pissed off.  You’re exhausted and have been looking forward to this afternoon nap since you woke up, and now your chances of a decent break are fading away like bookstores.  What a suckfest!  So do it - wallow, feel sorry for yourself, sob if you have to, because, honey, the break you deserve today probably ain’t happenin’.

2. Pick Yourself Up By Your Brastraps and Deal.  You are the adult here, so even though you want to scream, “Calgon, take me away!” and find yourself magically ensconced in your palatial bathroom soaking away in your garden-sized tub, you have to take control.  Splash some cold water on your face and tell yourself YOU. WILL. GET.THROUGH.THE. AFTERNOON.  And it goes without saying, without abusing things that come in bottles or bags, or putting a bottle of something into a bag…

3. Soothe and Cuddle. Do whatever it takes to get your little one(s) to calm down.  If you have to carry up to 50 pounds worth of kid(s) around the house for a few minutes, then c’est la vie.  Surely shoulders up to your hairline and a sore back are worth a few minutes future peace!  If you can cuddle and hug a child without mellowing out at least somewhat, you are one mean blankety-blank. (Hint: Shaft is a bad one.)

4. Read.  The goal here is to keep your ass on the couch for as long as possible! Read as much as you possibly can.  If your children lose interest and move away from the sofa, give them the book and let them pretend to read to themselves, or for talkers, let them make up stories or “read” to you.  If that fails, you just keep on reading, even if they're jumping up and down on the cushions and using the sofa as a vaulting horse.

5. TV.  For better or worse, for most kids the TV is a magnet.  If you don’t believe in TV, then (chuckle), I’m sorry about that!  Anyhoo, and I can’t stress this enough, YOU MUST KEEP YOUR ASS ON THE SOFA! You can take the high road and do PBS kids or indulge yourself/kill off a few brain cells by watching some show that includes the words Moms or Housewives.  If you do choose the latter, just be quick with a channel change or a hand to the eyes when that violent, sexy teaser for a hot lady cop show suddenly pops up.

6. Tire them out.  By now you should have had a decent amount of ass-on-couch time, and should be ready to get physical.  Put the baby in a jumperoo or exersaucer.  With toddlers and preschoolers, you can play chasing games, have a dance/gymnastics party or a ticklefest, it’s all good.  Let them go crazy!  And don’t be afraid of a MINOR fall – a little crying jag will bring that nap even closer!

7. Laughter.  We all know the saying, “If I didn’t laugh, I’d cry.” So why not make everyone happy?  Unleash your inner Jim Carrey, and be as ridiculous as possible.  Make funny faces, invent silly words, fall, drop things – if they’re laughing you’re doing your job.  Don’t worry about making a mess – hopefully, you’ll get your break, and hey, your to-do list is already a mile long! What’s a little more housework, anyway?  It will do you good to take a hiatus from being that bitchy downer of a mom you’ve become!

8. Take a Mommy Time Out.  Kids find this hysterical!  And this is killing two birds with one stone - you make 'em laugh and get a break.  Now, I did say that you are an adult, and locking yourself in the bathroom is totally unacceptable. I suggest you find a place where you can see them, but they can't see you so well, like, say, on the stairs, or even under a table.  Call a friend or get sucked into Facebook!  Whatever, just experiment with that laissez-faire parenting everyone's talking about, and peace out, grrrrl!

9. Pray.  I don’t care what religion you are or not.  You NEED prayer right now.  Get down on your knees and close your eyes, or fixate on something in your home, such as that picture of Great Uncle Fred on the mantle or the two-day-old Cheerios      sculpture petrifying in the playroom.  If movement is your bag, visualize your kid(s) asleep in bed as you do paddle turns (Your littles will love it, see # 7!).  While spinning, you can beg forgiveness for whatever you’ve done to deserve this.

10. Try again.  Put them down once more.  They are tired.  You are tired.  And by now, if you don’t get a break you are certain something very bad might happen.  But in the event they don't sleep, you WILL figure out what to do. Remember, you're a good mother, dammit.  Get in the car to run errands, or go for a walk in the stroller; neither will give you a true break, but at least they'll be asleep.  Or maybe they’ll power on through the afternoon and go down early for the night.  No matter what, lady, you must know that at some point, on this day or the next, rest is coming.