10 Things About Me That Suck For My Partner

I had a big thing happen this weekend -- a guest post on Scary Mommy, one of the biggest mommy blogs on the Internet!  

Huge right?

The post was called 10 Reasons Husbands Can Be Referred to as Babysitting.

Ka-bam!  I tried to be deferential, saying that I wasn't talking about all men, and that many husbands, even fab dads, fell into some of the described categories.

Many, I'll say most, moms saw both the humor and truth in the post.  A few dads were offended, but one softened after I replied to his comment explaining my position -- that while some dads might be a bit inept, many moms were professional worriers. 

Still, a few folks, people standing on soapboxes with the Washington Monument up their you-know-whats -- got really offended.  Great, now I've got two posts that have made people want to gather up a mob and chase me off the Interwebs!  One chick even said she would stop reading and following Scary Mommy because of little ol' me! Thankfully Lady Scary Mommy comes to her guest bloggers' defense and bade this gal good riddance, followed by, "don't let the door hit you on the way out."  

Can I get an Amen!

Now some readers, when they see a post criticizing dads, sneer, "Oh that mom thinks her s--t don't stank."  

As if.  

Most women blog because they know they are far from perfect.  And anyone who knows me, knows that I could teach a graduate level course in self-deprecation.  

So that's why I'm responding to one commenter's suggestion/dare, to do a post called: 

10 Things About Me that Suck for My Partner.  Here goes:

1.  Hello, Mrs. Double Standards!

I'll give him the eye for eating that ice cream with chocolate sauce.  Hello, Cholesterol issue? Do you want to be here for us in twenty years? Then I, the Root Canal Queen will go polish off a bag of a sleeping -bag's worth of gummi bears.

2.  I change my mind more than a toddler.

Me: What movie should we see? The historical one.  We should see it because it will be up for an award. 

Him: Okay sounds good to me. 

Me: No, lets see the funny one.  I need a good laugh.

Him: I do too.  Okay, let's see the funny one.

Me:  But, we'll be bummed when we've seen nothing at award season.

Him: Okay, I'll get tickets for the historical one.

Me (running in while he's ordering tickets):  No, no, I'm feeling depressed - let's just see the funny one. 

Him:  (#@$%!)  Grrrrrrrr

3.  The incredible blame-shifting woman.  

In the above scenario, if the funny movie sucks out loud, Hubs's should have foreseen its suckiness and prevented me from changing my mind. Now we've thrown $20 bucks and 800 calories in popcorn into the crapper and it's all his fault.  If he is anywhere nearby and I can't find something -- surely he put it somewhere!!  And, when we're running late, and I was dilly-dallying? Still totally his fault.  

4.  The Rollercoaster of Love (Ooo-ooo-ooh!).  

For two weeks a month I am on top of the world. Then for two weeks I careen between angsty teenage girl and Cruella deVil. It's a wild ride.

5.  It's my way or the highway.

There is one way to do things.  Just one. No interpretative dance when you fold shirts or load the dishwasher.  

6.  I fight dirty.

I curse a lot (I’m from NYC, what do you want from me?) and than includes little tiffs.  I can take a talk-it-out and turn it into something that would make Ol' Dirty Bastard and three street hookers want to find a priest and go bathe themselves in religion.  

7.  The Human Cyclone. 

When I enter a room, I throw off shoes and sweaters, spraying them around the room like hot soup in a blender.  I open magazines I have no interest in.  Including financial ones that might as well be written in Sanskrit. 

8.  You work for me now buster...

With two little kids, the house might be a mess most of the time, but when company comes over, I go berserk.  I go buy a bunch of new decorating items, and order Hubbles around demanding that he convert trailer park squalor into an upscale sale-ready townhome on HGTV.

9.  So You Think You Can Dance, Mutha----a?  

         Awkward dancing earns you anything from no reaction at all to a bemused smile to an outright grimace.  But... when I bust out all kinds of ridiculous moves -- the running man, the cabbage patch, bad jazz dance party-- I require enthusiastic belly laughs and fan worship.  I mean, I get paid to move, right?  Be grateful, whydontcha?!!

10.  The most impatient woman in the world.

When I ask for help with something, I mean now!  In a couple of minutes I could have done it myself.  And he will find that I have done just that, if he has waited too long.  

So there you have it Sr. M.  I met your little challenge. I aired my dirty laundry.  I may sound like I need meds, and maybe I do, but I’m also a person who’d do anything for her friends and family.  I'm smart and funny and when I decide to change out of my momiform I clean up real good. 

And, sir, you couldn’t handle me for five minutes.