Dear Best Friend's Hubby

Dear Best Friend's Hubby:

Hi!  It's me, your wife's bestie.  I feel like things have gotten a little aaaawk-ward.  You and I need a little come to Jesus moment. 

I'll admit that I do know a lot about you.  I know things that should be private, that are none of my blanking business, but are part of my world because they concern my BFF.  From what I can tell, I worry you.  I might even piss you off a little.

I can see it in the way you keep your distance from me and the way you handle me with kid gloves. You're concerned that the second something goes down, your wife would trample a kitten to get to me on the phone.  Do you think I'm some kind of she-devil who roils your wife into a frenzy about her no-good husband? 

Really, it's not like that at all. I only foam at the mouth when someone finishes something in the fridge and forgets to write it down on the grocery list, and I keep my trademarked set of Castrating Bitch! knives in a special locked box in the back of my lingerie drawer.  

Seriously, though, I'm not going to lie.  I do know a lot about you.  I know the sweet things you do and say.  I know what you do and don't do around the house.  Good and bad, I know how you make my friend feel.  And as far as THAT (you know what I'm talking about) goes, your wife and I have had some conversations that make the Sex and the City girls look like June Cleaver's bridge club.

That's all I'm going to say about that.  

And, you know what?  With all I know, I think you mean well. You're a good guy, with qualities both wonderful and terrible.  I know how difficult it can be to be married.  And I really know how tough it is to be married and have the responsibility of little kids, not to mention maintaining a career and a home.  I am objective enough to know I am only getting one side of the story. Even though I love my friend so much, I'd submit to the sheer torture of a three way with NRA spokesperson, Wayne La Pierre, and Carrot Top, I know she isn't perfect.  No matter how much I have her back, I believe in the immortal words of Lynn Collins, re-mastered by Rob Base, that, "it takes two to make a thing go right."

Believe it or not, I actually like you. When we have hung out together, it's been fun. 

I also know that at one point -- and often you still do -- you made my friend dizzyingly, dazzling happy. So happy that she chose you to marry and to be the father of her children.  That says a lot.

So why then, you wonder, do we engage in epic man-bashing sessions, bitching about our husbands all the effing time? 

First of all, don't flatter yourself.  We are women.  We have a lot to talk about, besides you, sir. Our day, the kids, things we need to buy, our burgeoning to-do lists, how that creme bruleé we inhaled might as well have been slathered on our buttocks -- the list goes on.  

But when we do vent, we need to know if we are being unreasonable, if other hubbies do the same thing, and how to confront it or how to move on.  Contrary to what you may think, suffering in silence is not strength. It is emotionally healthy to talk with other people in the same boat, as long it doesn't become semi-pro whining.  

You boys are really missing out. Why can't you talk about your relationship issues with each other? They've got to be on your mind, so why is it so hard for you to have that kind of convo with your friends? I know I'm no cream puff to live with, and I would expect some honest venting about me.  I really would.  Getting perspective from other emotionally intelligent (this is key) friends is a good thing.  Along with dresses and not having hair sprouting from my face, the ability to confide in and to co-soul-search with my girlfriends is one reason I'm lucky to be a woman. (PMS and riding the cotton pony not so much, but you don't want to know about that anyway.) 

So please stop worrying about what I think about you. It's silly. All I want is for you and my gal-pal to be happy.  I know you love my bestie madly and I don't blame you for each and every problem I hear about.  We're all trying to cope with this time in our lives the best way we know how.

And dude, please. You know a ton of stuff about me as well, and you don't see me skulking about, do you?

Sincerely,

Your Wife's Best Friend