MILFs - 1, Regular Moms - 0

The latest trend seems to be moms taking in-your-face photos (Selfies!) of their superfit/modelesque/Victoria’s Secret Angel bodies and posting them online.  The caption “I Won the Body War!” is sometimes there in writing, as it was in Maria Kang’s “What’s Your Excuse?” and sometimes it's implied, as it is in the photo below, taken by Norwegian fitness blogger Caroline Berg Eriksen.

I mean wow!  She looks like that four days after giving birth? Four days?!!!! Not four weeks.  Not four months.  Four friggin' DAYS!  

Granted, she looked like this right before she popped. . .

That’s how I look when I have gas, people. 

Clearly, this woman is not made like the rest of us.  She’s genetically gifted, a whole other breed.  And if she’s a fitness blogger, looking like that is her job.  More power to her.

Now, I’m a modest person – the kind of person who would win an Academy award and say, “Hey y’all, I just won this kinda cool Golden Statue Man.”  I always thought that if you were secure in yourself you didn’t need to rub a regular mom’s face in your incomprehensibly perky lactating ta-tas.or on your washboard abs.    

What do you want other people to say when you go on a boasting spree/tell people how amazeballs you are/post selfies of yourself looking like you could go right from the mother-baby room to a Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot?

You want praise, baby.  And you’ve come to the right place. 

Hi Hot Mom-

Wow!  You could not look better!!!  Are you sure you are not descended right from Venus? The goddess, I mean.  Because you look SPECTACULAR.  Really, really fabulous. You’re shaking your head, so I guess it’s just hard work,right?

That’s really disappointing because that means that there is NO hope for the rest of us.  No sirree.  Because, I’ll speak for myself, I just don’t have that kind of willpower.  I like things like pizza.  And cake.  And vats of X-tra Cheezy Cheezos.  And as for exercise, I have the core strength of a pillow.  I tried doing tummy time with my three-month-old son and we both got stuck rolling over.  Embarrrrrrrrrassing!  Your commitment to diet and exercise are to be applauded.  I’m gonna start clapping right now.

Whew!  That’s enough clapping for me – that’s some activity right there!  Hey, maybe I burned off some of the Ho-Hos I had for my mid-morning snack!  You really are such an amazing role model to all women who just grew a human being inside their body! Even those who may have been gutted like a fish to get that kid – kids even – outta there!  You’re nothing until you can look hot in a bikini or your bra and panties, don’t you think? 

I’m crying now. . . because no matter how many muffins I make, how many trips to the park, how many hugs and snuggles and late nights sitting in a steamy bathroom with a croupy child, I have failed my kids with my fat ass. What kind of mother am I -- what am I teaching my children about the world -- with (gasp!) no muscle definition whatsoever?!

And my poor husband - having to debase himself by sleeping next to me.  The poor fellow probably cries himself to sleep every night, while yours wakes up every day, gets down on his knees and thanks his lucky stars for getting the HOTTEST wife on the planet!

It isn’t fair, but I’ll just have to accept it. 

Thank you for sharing your beauty!  I am so blessed that I can see your photo as much as I want on the Internet and not in person, because next to you people would think me a troll, and they might pour hot oil or throw rotten vegetables on me.  And then I’d look even worse. 

Did I tell you how gorgeous you are?

Signed,

Chunky MacChunkerson,

Someone who always tells people what they want to hear

Honestly. 

Now maybe this woman is just proud of her rockin’ bod (as she should be) and unlike Maria Kang isn’t trying to shame anyone.  

Maybe she’s merely celebrating her success/good luck. 

I’m just sick of boasting. Would the humblebraggers and the bragholes just get their sexy asses on their big yachts, with the A-list celebs they rub elbows with, and just leave the rest of us the hell alone?

I’d love it if someone -- anyone -- would bring modesty back.  

But I think I’ll be waiting a long time for that.